My friend posted on Facebook the other day about his 40+ year marriage to his wife. My reply was, “Marriage is not easy, but it’s worth it.” This written by me, a woman married for only 13 years, single for five and now engaged to a man who God returned to me. I truly believe being single is easier than being in a relationship. I’ve done it; I can be a witness to the ease of keeping only my schedule, never having to consult with another adult about “What do you have going on this weekend?” I can be a witness to the only mess in my closet being my mess (BTW, Mark is a fastidious housekeeper). I can be a witness to when something goes wrong in my life, it is usually 100% my fault.
Now, I am in a relationship, which is truly from God. Mark and I dated off and on in college after meeting on a high school senior cruise. He found me via this blog after the end of his marriage. We met in a coffee shop after talking and texting for a few weeks; there were many reasons why we should not be dating, but one convincing reason why. God was present. Mark and I were finishing up our evening, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a metal cross and showed it to me. Looking back he says he has no idea why he did it, it wasn’t customary for him to show this cross to anyone. I asked, “Did you pick this up in the coffee shop?” He said, “No, I carry this cross with me every day and I have for years.” Not believing him, I reached into my wallet to check for the cross I carry every day, the exact cross, which he had just shown me. Sure enough, the cross was in my wallet. Mark and I looked at each other in disbelief and laughed and decided we possibly needed to explore having a relationship.
As we embark on a second half of life relationship, both of us divorced, both of us with “wins” and regrets in our first marriages. Both of us wanting the second half of life, our second marriage to each other to be different. Both of us knowing the ease of being single, but desiring the challenges of relationship and companionship. My very wise and funny friend, Dr. Kimberly Manning aka “Grady Doc” wrote this on her Facebook page y (this is an excerpt from a longer post), “Nobody can work your nerves better than your spouse. No-BOT-TAY…Oh, did I mention? Married people can be petty even though they love each other… I think dogs are good for marriage. They bring out a more compassionate side of every human being. Dogs call for some teamwork and unselfish behavior. And it’s weird because it’s different than human children since it’s all legal and mandatory with them. Ha. How somebody treats the dog can tell you a lot…You’ve GOT to know your spouse and accept them for being who they are. I wish I had time to tell somebody about how marriage is about forgiving each other every day for not being the exact person you imagined them to be…Here’s the thing: Grown people don’t like you trying to re-raise them. Folks change on their own terms. Not on demand…This just in: SHUTTING UP can be a powerful thing in marriage. Like for real. Sometimes you won’t get the last word. Neither of you. In a disagreement, it’s good to sometimes just be quiet, man. No big announcement either. Just shut your pie hole and move on. No pomp. No circumstance. No cryptic facebook meme for emphasis. And no doubling back either. Especially when it’s unimportant (which many arguments are.) Just. Shut. Up. And be done with it” (check out her blog, www.gradydoctor.com).
Grady Doc brings up two of the biggest things I learned between divorce and meeting Mark. I absolutely cannot change another human being. I cannot change my kids, I cannot change Mark, I cannot change the people who drive me crazy, I can only change myself. Changing myself and the way I want to be in the world has not been easy. If you read my blog, you know I am a self-proclaimed introspective person; I love to see what makes me tick and what ticks me off and why. I cannot blame others for making me ticked off, especially my partner. Mark and I can choose to work together on what is making us tick and not tick as a couple. We both can choose to be inquisitive, but I will be unsuccessful at making him into a different person.
My biggest help in acceptance has been my participation in AlAnon, a 12-step program for those who are affected by a loved ones alcoholism. Not only has this program made me a better partner; it has pushed me to be a better parent. AlAnon for me isn’t about alcoholism, it is about how to set boundaries in my life and “stay in my lane.” What I mean by “stay in my lane” is figuring out what is my business and what is not my business. This is a huge challenge for me as a parent of a tween and a teen. Guess what? Most of what is going on in their lives in none of my business. They are at the prime age of natural consequences. The world serves up for them exactly what they need to learn the skills they need to be successful adults. If I don’t stay in my lane with them, they don’t get the lessons because I keep interfering with what the Universe is trying to teach them. Yes, I provide rules, yes, I provide food, clothing and shelter. No, I do not sign agendas, check homework or get involved in the relationships they need to develop with their teachers, coaches and friends.
Staying in my lane with Mark is recognizing, he is a grown man and like Grady Doc said, he does not need to be re-raised. My job is to recognize he is perfectly imperfect. I am not perfect and I admit that at times, I think I know better than him on how he needs to behave or raise his own kids. Guess what? He does not need help from me in those matters. If he does need help, he is perfectly capable of asking for help, I do not need to assume he needs help just because he isn’t doing what I want him to do. If people are doing things which displease me, my adult self usually takes a nice break to think about what is going on, then, if it is still nudging me, I choose to talk about it in a way that is not condescending and the intention is to express my feelings, not to change the behavior.
Finally, learning to keep my mouth shut. I’m not one who likes to argue, but I am someone who likes to be right. A former therapist asked me, “Would you rather be right or be in a relationship?” I jumped to answer, “Relationship!!!” but man-oh-man, it is so hard to not want to be right. I was raised in a competitive society where “right” trumps cooperative learning and living. The older I get the more I realize “right” is truly in the eye of the beholder. I really do want to be in a relationship which requires I regularly check myself on my opinions and check myself on feelings. It requires I ask for forgiveness regularly, this is a new skill for me. A skill requiring the admission of not being right, possibly being unkind, most of the time it is the admission that I am not fully awake to what is coming out of my mouth. I will say for a while it was physically painful to ask for forgiveness, but like a muscle, which needs exercising, I now recognize when I feel guilty and when I need to make amends. I make amends with Mark and the kids most often because they are the ones who I hurt the most, I have made amends to friends and former loves, I have forgiven myself for the pain I have heaped on me.
People have been posting on Facebook, a theme word for 2018. A word, which acts as a touchstone to bring them back to an intention for their highest and best good. Grady Doc and her Facebook post helped me decide my word for 2018 is “relationship.” A big word with so many tendrils of hope, love, challenge, growth, pain and resolution attached to it. Wishing each of you a year of the best intentions for your highest and best good.
Love, Jill
Lil' Rev 
By now, I’ve read a few articles, each one I wanted to leave a note…but didn’t yet, until now. This post is so real, so powerful, so resonating, and so revealing of your true Self. Thank you Jill for sharing so vulnerably and so real from a woman who has lived through ups and downs of life and no doubt, relationships. This is beautiful. Keep sharing. I’m a a fan. LN